Random Thoughts Masquerading as Neurons

Where have I been?

2009-06-13T03:29:00.003-05:00

Where have I been you ask?

Has it really been over a year since I last posted something on this blog?

November of 2007, yes it has been a long time.

So where have I been?

I have move out of a home to an apartment to back home again.

I was in love and it died.

Met my old girlfriend who I thought had died, now she is back and the love is back.

Met two small fir balls that make going to bed at night a struggle and getting up an adventure.

Started back to school. I have my doubts until I realize how much my job is full of shit. (and I don't mean that as a metaphor.)

And played on the internet and realized I have not posted to these blog in quite some time.

I will have to work on that.

What I want...

2007-11-08T19:50:00.001-06:00

It has been a while since I last visited the Random Thoughts. I did complete the retrospect and needed a break. So I started another Blog. I still need to get things out of my head and written.

I was at work when I came up with the list of what I want. Having just found it I thought it would be something that people would enjoy reading.

What I want…

I want to find the right girl and have the courage to ask her out.

I want to mend a broken heart.

I want to pop the question.

I want to wear black and her wear white.

I want until death due you part.

I want the honeymoon to never end but not be surprised when it does.

I want to wait nine months to buy a box of cigars.

I want diapers, playpens, car seats, and all the other necessary items used by babies.

I want fist day of school blues.

I want to know that gift goes with what anniversary.

I want to help with homework.

I want to sound like my father and pray my kids don't act like I did.

I want to know where my kids are at 11:00pm.

I want to say I am wrong when I know I am right.

I want my midlife crisis.

I want to not let my kids date until they are 30.

I want college tuition, college books, and college room and board.

I want my second honeymoon and my second mortgage.

I want to be the Father of the Bride.

I want 401k's and IRA's.

I want to spoil my grandchildren.

I want to die knowing I have lived a full and rewarding life.

I just want it to start.

What I want...

2007-11-08T19:50:00.000-06:00

A Ten Year Retrospect - Act 3

2007-09-30T03:24:00.000-05:00

Author's note: Please read the post from June 27, 2006 for the start of "A Ten Year Retrospect

June 8 1997 12:15 pm

I think I know where all the shit I have gone through is leading. That place is greatness. There are things that have happened that are improving my life.

First is Cindy W. Bill and I went into a bar. It was in the afternoon, so there was no one around. We started talking to the bar maid, Cindy and we became friends. Now the scary part, Cindy and I met later that week to go out drinking. I found out she knows all the people I used to hang out with and she is still trying to get over past boyfriend Dave B. This is the same B whose sister J I had a bad crush on. Cindy and I should have met a long time ago but didn't. This is the way I see it. She is recovering from Dave and I am recovering from Val, and we were meant to at this time in our lives. Yes I want to date her but I will settle for being good friends for now and see where it leads.

Second I quit Piasa (no more midnights!). The hospital is going to give me more hours.

Until Then

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So here I am at work board out of my mind and working late into the night. I thought it fitting that I write the final entry buy hand. It is slow and I am brain dead. If you listen closely you can hear another neuron scream in painful death.

Indeed I have come full circle. I still have a job that is going nowhere, with a social life that is not even going anywhere let alone nowhere. I have to change this situation. So I applied for another job and I am meeting new people. Hopefully something happens, until then things will stay the same except for the ones I change.

It is hard for me to post this final entry. That is why it has taken me so long to get it done. By me finishing this reexamining of my life I have to accept that it is over. I have never seen or heard from Val in over 10 years. Part of me wishes I could forget her forever and part of me never wants to let go. I know I can not live in the past. What I really want to find out is how she is doing. Just to find out that every thing is alright. I want the closure I never got. There I finally said it. Some where in the infinite world wide web, I would like her to read this and know how much one girl changed me.

She taught me what love is, what devotion is, and what sacrifice is. Val may have thought it was a simple summer romance but to me it was life altering. Things could never go back to the way they were. Hell! I would not want them to. I am in the present and as the Bad Buddha would say I need to live in the here and now. So that is what I do.

It is not easy, but life never is. Each day we are presented with situations that test our courage. I wish I could say that I secede at them all. I can not. There are times when I just can not find the nerve that I need. I don't want to get hurt again and I know that this course of action is not good. So I go on finding little bits of confidence from where ever I can. It helps me get through.

If I have learned anything from my life and the trials that I have faced is this. Life will get dirty at times and when it does take all your problems, toss them in to your metaphorical Autochlor, and give them a good cleaning.

As the second line in the journal says, "That place is greatness." I look around at what I have and what I have done in the last eleven year and realize that I am already there.

Author's note: An Autochlor is the company that makes professional dishwasher for the food service industry. That one is for you Mr. Dave Wayne Black. Also Cindy and I did not last either, oh well next.

Out Of The Zone

2007-07-27T14:38:00.000-05:00

Author's note: Please read the post from June 27, 2006 for the start of "A Ten Year Retrospect

May 26 1997 1:03

I am really glad Bill is back because he is really the only true friend I have. I know I can rely on him to support me when I need it the most.

It is ironic how our lives are alike and yet different.

It is weird as I write this the song Hold On by Wilson Phillips came on. It has to be a sign that someone is watching out for me. If it is my own personal angle it's got a funny way of letting the good things happen. I just want to know what all the things I am going through is for? Where will it lead me?

Tim

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This is where it leads me. Sitting in a café with a fresh cup of coffee, writing a blog about the where it has led me. Then to add to this little bit of insanity, why not publish it online so any one can read it.

Sure it is great to learn from your past mistakes. Then try not to repeat them, but also wisdom is meant to be shared. Did the Buddha keep his wisdom to himself? Hell no! He taught others and then told those to teach others. I am also sure said something about his teaching not being the bases for a religion, but there every audience there is some one who will hear some thing different then what you said.

Well I was in the zone, had some tunes on, not even thinking about what I was writing. Then who should I run into but my very first girl that I dated, and then I was out of the zone. Seeing her makes me realize how much I have change sense I was 18 years old.

Next stop Act III and the End

Out sync of

2007-07-20T10:05:00.001-05:00

Author's note: Please read the post from June 27, 2006 for the start of "A Ten Year Retrospect

May 11 1997 11:26 pm

Lately I have been really been confused and basically with the rest of the world. Actually I have been really tired because I have been working the hospital and Piasa and it is just draining me of all my energy. I am about ready to tell Piasa good bye. I could manage without the money. Besides when I transfer to the storeroom were John works. It will be Monday to Friday and I can find a better weekend job.

It was weird the other day. I got home from work and I had been depressed about Val, when I got a post card from Dawn. (I still can not get over Val.)

Well I turned 29. One year older and one year colder. It is weird when I think about all the shit that has happened this last hear. It makes me wonder what this year is going to be like. I guess I will have to wait and see. God and Goddess help me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There is nothing wrong with being out of sync. Why would I want to be just like the rest of the gene pool? I take pride in having the courage to be different. Different is good. It is what makes the world such a fun place to live in. There will be heart aches, and there will be lost friendships. There are also new relationships and better friendships.

We all go through life looking for help. Some look to religion, some to philosophy, but what ever methods that you use give it your all. Having turn 39 I realize that life does not give you a play book. You make it up as you go along. Some times you get sacked and on those rare occasions you score the touchdown. If you’re really lucky you nail the extra point also. The thing to remember is that when you get knock down; pick your self back up. You never know how long it will take, ten second or ten years. As long as you are still standing, then you will not get run over.

Some people affect your lives in such a way that you will never forget them. I have met some and even fell in love with a few. Each one was just as out of sync with the rest of the world and that is just fine with me.

O For 2

2007-07-16T01:03:00.000-05:00

Author's note: Please read the post from June 27, 2006 for the start of "A Ten Year Retrospect

April 28 1997 1:04 am

Well hopefully David had a better day then I have. It was his birthday on the 27^th. He is the big 30. He has a good stable job, a wife that loves him and wants to bear his children. Could I be any more opposite to him?

What ever course I choose in this life I must follow it to the end. Even though I don’t know when it will end or where, I just pray I will not be alone. It has been a year sense I realized I loved Val, I don’t know the actual date but I know it was in April. How can I continue on without her, and does she still love me? The other day I did a reading (Tarot) and asked if there was any hope for Vic and I. The final outcome was stated as getting freedom at a great cost. Yes am free of that nagging sense for love, but what was the cost? Can I ever be happy with another woman like I was with Val?

Only time will tell.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Why yes I can be happy with another woman like I was with Val. Her name was Bren, which did not last either. Damn! I am 0 for 2. Wolf Tango Foxtrot! Talk about a slump.

Well hopefully Mike had a better day then I have. It is his birthday on the 20^th. He is will be the big 26. He has a good stable job, a wife that loves him and wants to bear his children. Could I be any more opposite to him?

I see a pattern here. I have the good stable job it that counts for anything. I hate it, but it pays the bill so I can do thing that does not pay the bills. That is how my friend put it when he was working at his job.

When you can’t find the answer, you look anywhere you can. Sometimes reading Tarot cards help. I don’t believe that it will tell the future. The future is not set in stone. Tarot can make think of things that you did not before. “Freedom at a great cost” What was the cost, my innocence. I don’t mind paying that cost. I had to pay it sooner or later. Better sooner and then get it over with. I am a better person. A little cynical but with more wisdom then I had before. I can live with that.

Shred of Sanity

2007-07-14T16:57:00.000-05:00

Author's note: Please read the post from June 27, 2006 for the start of "A Ten Year Retrospect

April 20 1997 10:40pm

All day I have been hearing depressing songs that made me think of Val. I realize getting over her is going to be a lot harder then I thought. I guess I loved her that much. I think that is what hurts the most. Val was not like others I dated, she was the one for me. Was I wrong?

What I would like to know is what she thought? Does she still think of me or was I just another boyfriend. Actually I was her second boyfriend.

Bill’s here, back later

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Obviously, she was not the one for me. I am still waiting on that one. I am also am waiting on the next thought to pop into my head. Don’t you hate it when you know what to say but can’t think of the way to write it?

There are times when my mind wanders and wonders. I like to think Val is still with me. All is well, with me married and having 2.5 kids and a cat and dog, the perfect nuclear family. It could happen. Somewhere in the infinite multiverse or just 52, I like to think that I am still with her. Then I also think that I could also be worse them I am know.

If thing have not ended with Val I would not have found Bren. She made me realize that I still had faith in the emotion of love. Even when that relationship did not last, I know that if it can happen twice then it can happen another time. I just need the right women to find me.

I was recently asked why I am reliving my past in this manner. I need to think back and find out what went wrong with my life so I can not walk down that path again. Or if I do happen to find myself on that road then I will be better prepared to face what life throws me.

When life gives you wisdom and you take it, don’t be selfish. Pass that wisdom along. Some one out in the expanse of cyberspace may read my words and think, “If he can deal with all that he has and still have a shred of sanity left them maybe I don’t have it all that bad.”

Our ADD Society

2007-07-12T14:02:00.000-05:00

Author's note: Please read the post from June 27, 2006 for the start of "A Ten Year Retrospect

April 19, 1997 11:00 pm

Why can't I seem to write in here at other times beside when I am at Piasa?

There is way too much work to do tonight so I will keep things short. Bill is out of the army, well actually he is in reserves, so things are starting to pick up. I made a promise not to tell anyone the details he told me so I will keep them to myself.

What was bad is he compared himself to Shane saying he could not make it in the military. So I popped him on the head and said never to compare himself to Shane again.

There is hope for him yet.

Until Next.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Why can't I seem to write this blog at other times then my home? Maybe it is because there are too many distractions. The world is filled with 500+ channels of nothing on cable, video games, friends, etc. These are just a few of the distractions that plague our ADD society. (Has anyone seen my 10 sider?) I guess if I was getting paid for this little adventure I could be better focused. Kudos for people who write for a living and then go home and write more for pleasure, I usually think of great thing to write when I am at work, and then can't remember what I wanted to say when I do get a chance to write. It does help to carry a small note pad so I at least get the ideas down.

Speaking of work and ADD, have to go to work now and pray my mind can get distracted for the next 10 hours. There is too much to do today so I will keep this commentary short.

Guess What?

2007-07-12T03:18:00.000-05:00

Author's note: Please read the post from June 27, 2006 for the start of "A Ten Year Retrospect

April 13, 1997 1:52 am

Howard Jones said in his song "things can only get better" and they are starting to, slowly but they are starting. Today I got depressed again at the hospital where I work. It was not as bad as the last, but I was still in tears. What I realize is now more then ever I need my close friends. There will be no one closer then Bill. Now is the time for him to give me strength. I was there when he fell out with his wife and he will be there for me until I can finally be over Val.

For years I wanted to fall in love. I did and it did not work out. So now I must deal with the heartache that follows. It wouldn't be so bad if I broke up with her. I would at least have some reason to justify my actions, but she ended it and now I have this feeling of wonder because there was nothing I could have done to prevent what happened. Also if I had broke up with her I probably would not still lover her.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When you lose someone you love, there is always the heartache. The first love is always the hardest. Hell! The fist of anything is always the hardest, after that, things get easier. I did fall in love after a few years. She was silly and childlike also. The same thing that I saw in Val I saw in her. We dated and then she moved away. Every I knew said "let her go" and "she is not coming back". I being my stubborn self waited, telling myself "she will come back". I still waited, telling everyone "she will come back". Then to top all that I did something really stupid, I waited. Telling anyone "she will come back".

Guess what? She came back!

Guess what? She stayed a week and then left again.

This time I knew "she will not come back." The bad thing is I still love her also, and there had been thoughts about giving her another chance. I just can not get the picture of her driving away from me. Once again I was heartbroken. Weather you or the she ended it, if you loved her it still hurts. There is still the empty void in your stomach. You are still left with the feeling of wonder and unanswered question. Maybe we will never get the answers or the closure that is needed. All anybody can do is deal with it as best as the can. We find our answers were we can. Sometimes all you need is to write about it.

Emotional Richter Scale

2007-07-11T02:28:00.000-05:00

Author's note: Please read the post from June 27, 2006 for the start of "A Ten Year Retrospect

April 8, 1997 9:02 pm

Things are starting to get better. A couple weeks ago, (no it was after my last entry on the 30^th) for some unknown reason I got an intense feeling of depression and could not figure out why. It is a feeling I do not want to experience again. Most of the time I can control my moods but this one I could not. Then to top it off last weekend I saw Val at a local science fiction convention. I handled it better then I thought I would.

She found someone else to latch on to, and now I really know it is over between us. So now the next step us to move on. Tomorrow I am going to take Val off my bank account, and begin again.

I am going to start my business working again because I wanted to start selling pewter figures at the conventions. I have not seen any one else do it, and finally I am getting really serious about my writing.

Until Then

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Nothing hurts more is when you see you lost love for the fist time after a break up. It is like getting hit with a wave of emotions that no flash flood can compare. You try to be nice and make small talk, all the while you are trying not to explode in motion. If the relations ship ended badly then you would not have this problem. Oh if life could be that simple. It will never be. We can not predict how we will react to any given situation. Each one is unique in it own. Hopefully your past experiences will prepare you to cope with thing in the future, but there is always the one that slips past your defenses. Before my little F.U.B.A.R that caused this breakdown I never dealt with anything on that scale. Call it a 5.5 on the emotional Richter scale. (Above 7 I would need therapy and 10, I would be dead. I have ready said I am to stubborn for that)

I never did start the business and I did finally get serious about writing. I just need the ten years to past and Blogs to get invented. I will continue writing after this project is done and not wait until the Twenty Year Retrospect. There is too much to write about.

A single spark

2007-07-09T13:39:00.000-05:00

Author's note: Please read the post from June 27, 2006 for the start of "A Ten Year Retrospect

March 30, 1997 11:03 pm

Where to begin? Kelly went back to her moron. So I have no respect for her and she deserves what she gets. “It’s for the kids.” Everyone seems to say that. “Bull Shit” is what I have to say.

Laurel and I are pretty much through. She stated she does not what to have sex until she is married and wants to start going back to church. I have no problem with that but that is not for me.

What I need to do is step back, examine my life and determine what is good and bad about it. I need to (remember what my thought was. I got interrupted because I am at work.)

It is weird but I keep running into a lot of old friends especially at a time in my life were I have lost a lot of them.

What I think my problem has been is I keep complaining about my problems. I still need to realize them so I can correct them. Instead of complaining, do something about them. It seems like I like I have not been motivated like I use to. When Jon and I where planning our business that was my motivation. Now there seems a lack of it. Yeah that is what I need to do, make a list of my goals and accomplish them as quickly as possible.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One of the goal I have set is to get this retrospect done by the week or sooner. I can post the entries as needed but the comments will be finished. Another goal is to have my podcast started by the first of Aug.

It seems I have always started things and they never get finished. Relationships are the only things that do seem to have and end. So I start a new one and hope. There is still a small part of me that refuses to give up. It hurts like hell sometimes, but I am too stubborn to let out side forces win. That stubbornness is what gets me through when days are bad. A single spark is all that is need to start a raging fire. Quick someone find me some wood.

As I transcribe these entries, I wrote a lot of the same things. When everything you thought you knew get turned around and you are left lonely, depressed, and generally messed up, you keep asking yourself the same things. If you ask often enough, you just might get an answer. Hell it may not be the right one. It is something to hold on to until the right answer comes along. I make no promises to how long it will take. Some people wait there whole life while others wait very little. The key is not to go completely insane during that time.

A Whole Story in Itself

2007-07-01T03:27:00.000-05:00

Author's note: Please read the post from June 27, 2006 for the start of "A Ten Year Retrospect

March 8, 1997 11:00 pm

Just when I thought I figured it all out, fate or what ever the controlling force is throws in another trump card. As If you couldn’t guess what it is about, a woman? Here is the latest. I am at Piasa tonight and Kelly came in. Yes the same Kelly I was obsessed with or very interested and attracted to. She informs me she has finally left her moron boyfriend and moved back to her mother’s.

Now I don’t know what is going to happen. Part of me still would like to see what it would be like to have a relationship with her, but then I am still attracted to Laurel. And that is a whole story in itself.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Life is just one big story with no ending. You may think that your story ends when you die, but it is far from over. Each of our own life stories are interwoven with the stories told by the people we met. The meeting could last years or seconds, it still has and effect. That simple smile you gave the stranger may mean nothing to you, but stop and think. That person may have had a bad day and your smile was the pick me up that was needed.

Everything a person does has an effect. If you try and plan for them you will go mad. Trust me I know. I used to over analyze every situation I was in. What should I do? Where will it lead?

What the hell was I thinking? Life is like a flowing river. You have to go with the flow. That does not mean you can not give yourself a little nudge in the direction you want to go. It may not be in the right way to go, hell it may not even be in the right river, but as long as you keep on flowing.

I have had the pleasure to run into Kelly after I came out of my emotion wreck. I did not feel the same way. I have lived my life and she has lived hers. It all comes back to having the right girl at the wrong time or the wrong girl at the right time. Lately it has been the later. I will just have to move a little closer to the center, and hope these two get closer.

Hair or Not

2007-06-22T03:40:00.000-05:00

Author's note: Please read the post from June 27, 2006 for the start of "A Ten Year Retrospect

March 3, 1997 3:18 am

I need to write in here more often but lately I have not had the chance. I am still dating Laurel and the only thing that I think is preventing us from going to a one on one exclusive relationship is my long hair. It seems she is not use to it. She never was around people with long hair. So she thinks I have this rebellious attitude. (Good song came on will write later.)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Oh how the past gives way to the present. As I was finishing the journal entry the Beatles’ The Inner Light is playing on Itunes radio. It is fitting as I start my comments. So here goes…

WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING? She does not want a exclusive relationship because I have long hair? I had not written that myself I would have thought my leg was being pulled. Even now I feel a slight tug. I should not have blame myself for her hang ups.

Call me Samson. It’s just hair. It should not have anything to do with how a person feels about another. What is the ironic thing is I don’t even have long hair anymore. I had it cut when the cute girl liked the clean cut friend of mine instead of me. Oh how the might hair has fallen.

I do have to point out that in ten years past; I was not in my right mind. So who know what warped part of my brain came up with that excuse? If some one does not like me it is his or her problem. I can always find other friend. So why should I waist the energy and effort on something that will not happen.

I feel I should take a moment to point out that, hair or not I will still have a rebellious attitude.

Endorphins are so much fun

2007-06-21T02:06:00.000-05:00

Feb 7 1997 9:00pm

After I got off work a Piasa I went to Laurel’s and we slept a little then we mad love. She then explained to me that she really needed that. It was more emotional then any of the other times. She had encountered an old boyfriend at work and it made her feel uneasy. By my coming over and holding her, I guess she realized that I am willing to be with her.

I do enjoy being with her and I think I lover her, but what bugs me the most is she is will try and find out how I will react to different situations. When she does that she is not all that honest about her motives and when I think I may have said something wrong I find myself thinking about Val. I will always love her that I cannot change. There are still things that made me attracted to her that I don’t see in Laurel (not yet at least). Val has that child like nature that helped balance out my side. With Laurel I see her seriousness all the time, not stopping and acting childish for her own health. She has had to support herself almost all her life and I think she does not know how to put her problems away for awhile and just be silly and childish. I guess it is something I will have to work on.

Until Then

Tim

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sometimes you just need a change of scenery to get the creative mind to kick in. So I stopped in to the hotel where a friend works to talk and try and write. Lately I just can’t get in the mood to do another entry. Hopefully this will help.

Where to start? Each person has different traits that we are attracted to. I have always liked the slightly scatterbrained smart chicks. I don’t know why I just am. They are very intelligent and I think it gives them a youthful appearance. That is what made me like Val and my most resent heart break. If your reading this then you know who you are, but who am I to dig up the past?

There is nothing wrong with being silly and childish. Hell some of my best friends are silly and childish, and that is by choice. If you don’t laugh and smile, your heath starts to frown. When you smile it produces the feel good chemical. “Endorphins are so much fun!” Even when you are faking it, your brain does not know. The chemical is still there. So go ahead and fake that smile, people will wonder what you’re up to and you will feel good about it.

Life will throw you curve balls, fastballs and if you are luck the occasional slow ball.

It is not just your life any more.

2007-05-19T03:08:00.000-05:00

Author's note: Please read the post from June 27, 2006 for the start of "A Ten Year Retrospect

February 6, 1997 9:09 pm

Things between Laurel and my self have been growing stronger. I still am waiting for her to accept me and love me. She is still unsure. Part of her does not want to and part of her does. What I do know is if she does commit to a serious relationship she will want to get married soon. That will take some time getting used to. As for me I want to get married but I don’t want to enter a marriage with all my bills, and there does not seem to be and end in sight. If I can just get my Escort paid off it would be a great burden that has lifted.

And then we come to kids. I know I want kids but I want to know I can support them also. Who knows, I can’t say how I will react to a situation until I am in it. So until then we will just have to wait and see.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I really don’t know how to comment about this entry. As you can tell Laurel and I did not work out. Last I heard of her she was married, and I am not. One thing I did not expect to see is my little brother married before me. That just shows you how funny, strange and unexpected life can be. I wish him all the best and just know this one thing, “It is not just your life any more, you have to share and include her in your future.”

It is funny, for someone who has never been married, and does not have the best of luck with relationships, I am pretty wise. Maybe I just don’t follow my own advice. Who knows.

You know I just can’t get the feeling to write much more. So I will just end it here.

2007-05-04T06:24:00.000-05:00

If the one does pass by...

Author's note:Please read the post from June 27, 2006 for the start of "A Ten Year Retrospect

January 25, 1997 10: 57 pm

Well life sure has a funny way of throwing curves at you. Just when you think you figured out one thing something new comes along.

I had thought Val was the women I wanted share my life with. Then Kelly still sparked some interest in me. Now we come to Laurel. I first met her 12 years ago when I was in the Civil Air Patrol. She was friends with Ted L whose sister I dated. At the time both of our lives were different from what they are now, and back then we would never have dated, like now. It all started last Sunday on the 18^th. She came in where I was working. I had seen in her before, but that night I asked her for her phone number. I call her Monday and we talked for a bit. Next came Tuesday, I called her again and we ended talking on the phone for 3 hours. That is when I found myself attracted to her. Now we are up to Wednesday, I went to her apartment and we were getting close. I then took the initiative and kissed her. That whole night we held each other and snuggled. Now Friday night I met her after we both got off work, went back to her place and then we eventually made love.

From what we have talked about she is not looking for a relationship but if it happens on its own, she won’t stop it. Personally I think she is really starting to be attracted to me but does not want to completely commit herself just yet. As for me I keep telling her what ever happens I will deal with it. I don’t want to jeopardize the good thing I have now. We will just have to wait and see. So until next time, who knows?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I wish I could say, “She was the one”, I can not. It was more like “She was the one right now.” It was a rebound relationship. The funny about having a rebound relationship is when that one does not work out then the next girl is the rebound for the rebound. This starts a never ending cycle of rebounds with out any one making the basket. When does it stop? Do we ever get over the people we once dated? Is there some small flame left?

I don’t think it there is a flame, more like a lingering memory. You had to like the person for some reason or you would have never dated that person in the first place. Hell I still love the love the last person I dated. I just can not get the memory of her driving down the road to move back east. She made a choice. It would be easier if I was mad at her but I can’t. She was what I need at the time, but she was not the one.

Will I ever find the one or will she find me? Who knows? I just will have to keep an eye out so if the one does pass by I don’t miss it.

2007-04-16T04:00:00.000-05:00

Finally I Learned

Author's note:Please read the post from June 27, 2006 for the start of "A Ten Year Retrospect

January 16, 1997 11:10 am

Don’t you hate when you have many things to say but can not think of any way to begin.

My father has been bitching about when he is going to get paid. Trust me I want to pay him but I will be pushing my luck to cover gas and food until Thursday when I get paid from Mo Bab. This check will be for 80 hours so I can hopefully catch up on some bills.

Well got to go. Talk later.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Just ask any author and they can relate when I say “many things to say but can not think of any way to begin.” Anyone who writes has been there.

Speaking of been there, everyone has been strapped for cash at one point in there life. We all do thing to get by so the bill could get paid. My biggest mistake is getting short term loans, or payday loans. Before the state (where I live in) took an active role in the overall management of loan business, I was getting completely screwed. It was a form of legalized loan sharks. It was a never ending cycle of hell. I had three different loans out, and would literally payoff the interest and renew the loan. This gave me the money need to pay off another loan. It made a catch 22 took pale in comparison. At one point I actually would write a check on Friday, with no money in the back, (I got paid on Monday and I knew it would be covered) because I need the money.

On one occasion I needed to pay the interest and renew the loan on a Saturday. I went to a local casino 40 minutes away to write a check. Got there and realized I had no checks. I was I surprised I had enough gas to make it one way. Then it occurred to me. I was sitting in my car counting out change, so I could have enough gas to get home, get my checks, come back, and knowingly write a bad check, so I could pay the interest on a payday loan. Just so I could renew it for another two weeks. Did I stop getting loan because of this, HELL NO! I still can not believe I ever got out of the debt I was in. I think it was when my car got reposed last year then finally realized something has to change. I am now in a better place financially, but my actions in the past will follow me for a few years. Finally I leaned.

2007-03-26T14:56:00.000-05:00

Getting Synchronized

Author's note:Please read the post from June 27, 2006 for the start of "A Ten Year Retrospect

January 13, 1997 2:14 am

It has been about two weeks since I last wrote in my journal. Don’t worry you did not miss People tell me I am looking for love but I really am not doing anything at all. I work and then I go anything important. Nothing except my usual messed up life.

home. If that is not looking nothing is. Get this Kelly wants to put and ad out in the dating network on cable TV and mind me a girlfriend. So she wants me to write up an ad, I did it just to please her.

Friday, I had one of my think about Val and get depressed sessions. All I know is 1996 will be one of my most joyful and painful memories.

Damn it! It is not fair. I loved Val and why am I made to suffer? Another point I feel I must bring up is this. Am I obsessed with Kelly? Who knows? What do you consider obsessive behavior or just strong attraction?

It seems to me if I am myself I don’t meet any women, and the ones I do meet they are already taken. This bull shit just makes me madder, and with each heart break I get colder and colder. It is all bull shit! What I need right now is to talk to Val and have her cheer me up but the trouble with that is I will eventually feel depressed again. When will it end?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I think the biggest problem people have about not meeting people is this. If you don’t get out and make your presence known then you have no chance of people meeting you. As much as I like my friends, just hanging with them all the time, does nothing for my stagnant social life. I like to be out where there are people. Even if I don’t talk to anyone, there is always a chance I could meet someone new or if the planets are aligned the right way, someone I could ask out.

The human race is a social species. Being alone may be ok for some but not for me. I love talking with others about anything, for hours on end. That is something I can not do if I am by myself. Sure there is the internet (ironic considering the internet is how I get this blog out.)

I still think the world is head for a shift if the way we think and act. If we just get all out thought and actions synchronized.

2007-03-10T00:29:00.000-06:00

Talk about procrastination

Author's note:Please read the post from June 27, 2006 for the start of "A Ten Year Retrospect

January 2, 1997 12:45 am

Well I have successfully competed the fist day of a new year. There were not too many complications except one by the name of Kelly. I do not believe my love for her is stronger then my love for Val, but then it gets weird. What I don’t know is do I really love Kelly or is it just the feeling that I can be better for her then her so called boyfriend.

Bill and I went to visit Kelly on a night on a night she was working midnights and from what he seen the same look in her eyes when she looked at me. It was the look I get when I look at her.

There is so much I want to do to (can you tell where my mind was when I started to write) for her. As much as I hate to admit it I feel I am ready to grow up, think, and do something about my future.

Sometimes the right song will come on the radio when you need to hear it. Right now James Taylor’s “You Got a Friend” is on and all I can think of is Kelly and subconsciously Val, the two women I love with all my heart.

One thing I do know is my life would make a great book. Actually I just came up with an idea for a magazine article called “Reflections of A Nice Guy” I think I will write this one.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If I have already explained who Kelly is, then pardon the repeat, seeing how she plays a small role in the beginning of this little saga. Kelly was a girl that I worked with, and was interested in. She was having some trouble with her marriage and would often confide in me. I guess it is that nice guy curse/blessing that I have. What ever it is, that is not point.

She was working New Year’s Eve (1995) and I said I would come up and spend it with her. No one should have to spend New Year by themselves. At the sound of midnight I made the one and only resolution. I would fall in love this year. I thought that person would be Kelly. It was Valarie. I finally understood the saying “Don’t look for love. It will find you.” So do to this day I will not make another New Year’s resolution.

Instead of writing a magazine article, I think I wait 10 years and write a blog. At least I know a blog will get published. It is funny how I came up with that idea so many years ago. Talk about procrastination.

2007-02-20T01:32:00.000-06:00

Linus had it wrong

Author's note:Please read the post from June 27, 2006 for the start of "A Ten Year Retrospect

Dec. 28, 1996 12:17 am

I do realize one of my problems is I have incredible amounts of self doubt, but it is sort of funny. I know I can accomplish anything I desire, but when the time presents itself I seem not to succeed. Another thing I also realize was my relationships scene is a Catch 22. I seem to be interested in women who are involved with someone, but I can’t date them because they are in involved with someone. Why are all the people who see me for who I truly already taken?

Life sure can be a lot of trouble. Sometimes it gets really hard to continual and all you want to do is be in the arms of someone special even jut for a little time. In my opinion Linus had it wrong. The blanket should have held him not him holding the blanket.

All the motivational speakers say you should have positive thoughts and draw your power from them, but I am not like that. I draw my power from my friends and when I am alone it drains me. Now a days there are few people I want to be with and that does not work out.

Will I ever figure it all out?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In the area of the country that I live in most people do not shack hands with each other, we like to hug. Whether you hug, shack hands, give knuckles, or what ever, it is not he gesture that is important. It is the power we exchange. Every little essence, life force, karma, etc... gets passed between people. It says; “I am there for you. Let me take some of your joy, sadness, fear; (insert any emotion here). Mans greatest ability in my opinion is empathy, or sharing our feelings. Just watch any movie with a happy or sad ending and try and feel something different.

When people are alone they lose the support that come form others. At the time one friend that I could open up to was not there. Through no fault of his own, I struggled with my pain by myself. Happy to say, I survived. It is because of this that I will always be there for my friend with an open hear and open heart. I don’t want my friend or my family to go through what I did. If I am empathetic, I have felt that way once I don’t need to feel it again. This is why Linus carried his blanket always. He just needed a good hug.

2007-02-01T00:46:00.000-06:00

A2 S8 L8

Author's note:Please read the post from June 27, 2006 for the start of "A Ten Year Retrospect

Dec 27, 1996 1:35 am

Well 1996 has been a very interesting year. I wanted to fall in love with one girl and ended up falling for another. Friendships I thought were strong, crumbled. I got deeper into debt buying a new car, and met one of the most wonderful people in my life. Val.

I know it will be sometime before I will be over her. These wounds will just have to heal on there own.

The other day Val sent me my plastic heart back. The heart was part of a puzzle that represented my life. The heart was in the center. I fist mad this reference when Mel and I had a falling out. I made a promise that I would not complete the puzzle until I found someone I could truly love. When I men Val I thought she was that person. I completed the puzzle and gave it to her. She started wearing the heart on a necklace. When we broke up she asked me if I wanted the heart back. I told her to keep it. With her still wearing it I knew she would think of me when she looked at it, and maybe someday we could pick up were we left off. Now that she sent it back I must realize that it is over, and I am back where I started. I don’t want much in the world just someone to love.

I cannot help being as complex as I am. I can’t help wanting more in life then what I have.

Often I wish I could be like everyone else. Happily working in a blue collar factory and marring an average wife and having 2.5 average kids. That is not who I am

And I have to be true to myself. Very few people have seen me as I truly am. Why can’t more?

A2 S8 L8

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It is weird how much faith and personal power we put into objects. Just ask anyone who wears a cross, pentacle, crystal, or what ever it might be. I should know I have try had the first three thing listed. Weather you call them talismans, amulet or many of the hundreds different names, when you get down to it they have no power at all. They are objects used to replace what is already in you.

I use to have a bad habit of over analyzing thing, usually what is being analyzed is my life, and depending on who you talk to, they will say that I still do. Now I think back at my life and wonder what the hell I was thinking. My life is not represented in a plastic square puzzle. My life is what I choose it to be. I may not know what all the choices will be, but I am confident that there will be signs along the way. Either they will be quietly appearing or making up side the head, what ever gets my attention. (Author’s note: This does not give my fiends to start smacking me in the head or any other part of my body.)

I don’t know why people think that they need object to represent a belief or idea. If I did maybe I will stop doing it. Take for example write a blog about a situation 10 years ago just to get some sense of understanding. To quote a famous commercial “ The world may never know.”

As a closing not the letters and numbers represent Hamlet Act 2, Scene 8, Line 8. If you want to know what it is you are going to have to look it up. Or I might tell you if you are really nice.

2007-01-26T01:41:00.000-06:00

Blues Don’t Bother Me

Author's note:Please read the post from June 27, 2006 for the start of "A Ten Year Retrospect

Dec 14, 1996 1:15 am

Sometimes you need a good helping of the blues music. I mean even if you have not idea who the artist is or what song is playing it does not matter. What you need to do is just let the music get inside you and then start to feel better. Your problems will still be waiting for you when the song is over but for one brief period of time there is only the music and the feeling it causes. Everyone needs the blues.

Why comment on something so well written.

2007-01-14T00:52:00.000-06:00

I Survive

Author's note:Please read the post from June 27, 2006 for the start of "A Ten Year Retrospect

Dec 13, 1996, 2:01am

There are times when I just can not deal with everything and I break down and cry. Luckily no one has seen me like this exempt once. It seems all my problems get backed up like a dam and eventually it will burst. When that happens I lose it.

One of the causes of the emotional build up is when I have to watch my friends and loving when I am empty. Another problem is I feel people don’t take me serious, just because I am not interested in the same things as they are, people judge me as weird and anti-social, or too strait forward. All I of the battles I have fought just to be my own person are pointless if some one judges me before the get to know me.

Later,

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

No one wants others to see them at there weakest, even when they can help you with your burden. My problem was at the time there was no one to help. My friends were not in the same state, my one brother was on the coast of the US, and the other was too young. I dealt with my problems by myself. How the hell did I survive without losing my mind? Wait a minute I think I did. In all actuality I got a little bit of clarity. When I did stop crying and look at my life I discovered is was not all that bad. I knew who my true friend where. One friend came back into town to stay. I got a better handle on how deal with life’s ups and downs. I also realized I can deal with anything bad that comes along. Bad stuff comes along; people are going to feel sad. It will go away. I have had other heart aches. I have had other relationship go down hill, even though I still love the person. I survive, somehow, someway I survive.

2007-01-02T03:32:00.000-06:00

What the hell was I thinking?

Author's note:Please read the post from June 27, 2006 for the start of "A Ten Year Retrospect

Dec 5, 1996 12:24am

I have tried to call Linda but no one home, or she was home but ignoring me. That is one thing I hate about caller ID. If you don’t want to talk to someone, don’t answer the phone. She could at least find out what I wanted.

I know Carrie is mad at me for some reason. I wanted her to talk to me but for some reason it looks like will have probably have to talk the fist step. I just hope I can get though to her.

Sometimes I can go long periods without thinking of Val then sometimes I can not get her off my mind, with a thousand questions unanswered.

Does she miss me?

Does she still love me?

Will there ever be a next time?

I know it is better to cherish the time we had together but it is so hard. I still want to Denise out but I can never get her alone to ask. Maybe I should call her when I know she is at work.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The things about having people mad at you and you don’t know why is this, you what to try and fix it. All my life I never had anyone mad at me, not when I did not know why they were mad. I want to try and find out why. I want to smooth thing over

Now I would just want to tell people who are mad at me to kiss my ass. If some one is made me, then that is there problem not mine. If I did something wrong and I know it, I will me a man and apologize. If I know I did nothing wrong or if they don’t want to tell me, Screw Them. They can me mad at me all they want. I am satisfied with the knowledge that some one who is mad all the time is just making unwanted stress for themselves, and it is having a bad affect on there heath. Get the F*ck over it! Be mad, let it pass, and get on with your life. You can bet that I am not worrying about it more then you are. I have moved on.

If my former fiends are still mad at me so what. I don’t care. They made me feel like I was the bad guy. I gave them that power, never again. I refuse to let someone make me feel that low over something I did not do. What the hell was I thinking?

2006-12-20T03:53:00.000-06:00

Something

Author's note:Please read the post from June 27, 2006 for the start of "A Ten Year Retrospect

November 29, 1996; 11:13am

Often at times I feel I did not get all the breaks in life that I deserve. Never getting the right job, the right girl or the right looks. Everything I have accomplished I have worked and fought hard for, but there are times when the fight does not seem to help. Every step I take forward I get thrown back two. I am bound to reach the end of my journey, but when?

Everything has changed this past year. The people I have thought were my friends are not and I may have mistakenly ruined the friendships I need the most.

I now know I am to ever regain my happiness I am going to have to initiate the first steps.

One of the things that I don’t like is this. I feel people don’t take the me serious. I hate being labeled the nice guy, a good friend. I am looking for a long lasting relationship not just friends.

Continued Later

There is something I must say first of all.

I LIKE BEING A NICE GUY!

I accept my status and you know what? I can live with it. End the end when all the asshole in the world have come and gone. I will still be here. If the person I was meant to spend my life with can not see past what society has labeled the nice guy. Then I don’t want anything to do with that person.

While I am on the subject, why should I try and make amends to people who choose to believe rumors and lies then try and find out the truth. I am glad the got rid of me. Without them I have room in my life for better people, and I thank the powers that be that they are the true friend I need and will be there of me. Also I want to thank all the people that did stick by me when I was at my lowest. I know see who I want to choose to be with. So I am a nice guy. In life’s race nice guys may finish last, but we get to enjoy all of the scenery.

2006-11-29T02:18:00.000-06:00

Cars, Hunting and Beer

Nov. 23 1996 11:32 pm

Author's note:Please read the post from June 27, 2006 for the start of "A Ten Year Retrospect

Ever since Oct. 4 and Val broke up with me I have been having different emotional states. Anything from confusion, anger,depression and some minor joy. It is driving me nuts and the job I am at is not helping me one bit. I can not be my true self because the idiots I work with would just make stupid comments. I don't fit in with them. They are into cars, hunting, and beer, I am not.

It really sucks that I am so closed in. It seems all my friend are just appearances. Not really close just when I am there. This all sound s like bull shit, and it is.
Take for instance D the secretary / receptionist, actually her name is Denise. The other day she walked in and told me about some guy she met at the post office and wished he would ask her out. What I want to know is why she told me? Then I was working late until 5 pm when she got off work. When we went out to the cars she got in and gave me a weird look. Does she want me to ask her out. I want to but I never can get the courage to or it is never the right time. The whole dating scene is insane.

I swear that job is killing my soul. The people in the shop would not understand my true self, so I don't let it out. I have got to get a different job, go back to school and get on with my life. Sometimes it is just hard to do.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Too me it seems like I am the one people talk about there relationships they have or do not have with other people. On one hand that is a good thing. People trust me enough to talk to me, and on the other hand when I am feeling crappy about my lack of relationships the last thing I want to hear is someone talk about there problems. As much as I do not want to here it I still listen. Damn this nice guy curse!

Needless to say I was pretty screwed up emotionally. I face a situation that I could not deal with, more like did not know how to deal with. What I wrote was true. Sadness' and depression was at the forefront of my state of mind, and I was not going to let anyone see me in that state. So I kept it in. My mind was a jumble of question with no answers to be found. What could I do?
I did what anyone would have done. Nothing! I went to work and went home. I did not have much contact with people. There was no one that I want to be around. When Bill did get some leave to come visit we did hang out but for the most part I stayed enclosed.

Thinking back now I wonder what the hell I was thinking. Now if that situation ever comes up( feeling down about another broken heart, it has) I know I will not have to face it alone. I have old friends that came back into my life, as new one that in my opinion are better the the ones I lost. I know I will never be alone again.

2006-11-13T01:52:00.000-06:00

Send me in coach, I am ready to play!

Author's note:Please read the post from June 27, 2006 for the start of "A Ten Year Retrospect"

Nov. 16, 1996 10:55 pm

I am a little more awake then last night, but then again after staying up for 26 hours you would be dead to. What sucks was I finally got to bed then to sleep for 4 hours and then I was wide awake for about 2. This lifestyle is going to kill me sooner or later. One of the things I hate about my life is I will go for a long time not thinking about any of the girls I wanted to go out with, then I will have trouble remember their names. Then when I do remember, all of the bad feeling I have come flooding back. It seems lately I have been getting more depressed. Take for instance Lucinda, I know her through various people and she stops in at Piasa after she comes home from work. She gave me her work number and I have called a couple of times, but she always seem to be busy or just can’t talk. I asked her to stop by tonight so I could ask her out, but there is no sign of her. Some times I wonder why I bother. I was telling Bill that I am really tired of this area because there is too many bad memories. I know it sounds like I am running away from my problems. I look at it as starting over and moving on.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If I had follow my advice I would have left this area. I am glad that I don’t. By not leaving I got to meet better friends, was in a no budget movie, (www.gameheadsmovie.com yes another shameless plug) and been in a few more failed relationships. Am I sad that they did not work out? Yes to some, but most of them are me wondering what the hell I was thinking. Wait I know I was looking for someone so I would not be lonely. That was why they ended, I was being selfish, I was putting my needs first. What I should have been doing was being there for who ever will have me. I needed to complete someone else’s life. When will this happen? I wish I new, but until then I wait. It is hard at times standing on the sidelines watching the game. ( for those who don’t get what I wrote. It is a metaphor). Maybe I just am the coach. Helping others with there peformace, or maybe I am just waiting for the right girl to find me. I anyone my happen to know where she is point her toward my direction.

2006-10-23T04:09:00.000-05:00

Blocking

Nov. 15, 1996 11:42 pm

This last week has been really stressful. Most of the causes are the same, overworked, depressed about ( why is it that when wanted to write Val’s name I thought of Melanie’s) I have now determined my life is very complicated and complex What I need to do is study Psychology so I can understand myself not other people. Will write more later...

Later that night:

I tried reading while I was on break but I could not stay focused. I think I am getting mentally drained from all this work and bill paying, and the bullshit between friends. Specking of fiends Bill was jumped by Shane and Bobby. Now because he looks like shit his military career could be fucked. I cannot help but think part of that is my fault. If I did not introduce Bill to Shane none of this shit would have happened. Well I am starting to get tired and can not write so until next.

T
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Recently I friend of mine said I needed to write something more happy and upbeat. As much as I would like to do that, I can not. At the time I wrote these entries my life was not upbeat and happy. I was depressed and confused, not that I am saying that I am that way now, but to much shit was going on at that time.

Melanie was a girl that I dated for a little while in 89. I was not serious and all we did was argue all the time. So why was I thinking about her instead of Val. Maybe my brain did not want to be reminded of what I had lost, and the only way I could deal with it was to block it out. Every time I thought about Val I would break down emotionally. Let’s just say I did a lot of crying in when i was alone, and always managed to hide it when I was with others. Actually I held it in check would be a better way to put it.

I was so messed up I blamed myself for what others did, I could not control what one person did to another. just because I introduced those two to each other. At the time i did not realize that you control your the actions of your life not some one else's. You can not be held responsible for there actions. I just wish that I did not have to go through all that I did to realize this now.

I will promise that, although these entries are dark and sad. I will try to write something more upbeat. It does get better.

2006-10-12T04:35:00.000-05:00

What If?

Author's note:Please read the post from June 27, 2006 for the start of "A Ten Year Retrospect"

Nov. 9 1996, 11:39 pm

Out of all the people I have called friends there are those who will always have an extra place in my heart. Take for example. L H. This was the type of girl I could fall in love with and a small part of me did. I often wonder if in some alternate dimension I did ask her out and we were both happily married. Every action in your life leads to a different action. It can be described as fractional, one item splits into two, then two split into four. The original was a specific point when you make that choice. One path leads one way the other some where else. Each action is the starting point for another one, so there are infinite amount of paths your life could have taken. The trick is to make the best out of the path you are on and not think about all the other paths.
Every once in awhile when you don’t realize it you will find yourself wondering about those different paths that your life could have taken In my case it is all the women that I wanted to ask out but never got the chance No I should say never took the chance.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What if? These two small word hold incredible power. They can drive a man mad if he gives into them. Constantly questioning his action, weather they were the right ones or if he is doomed to exist in a reality not of his choosing. What if? Just a simple question. What if I made the wrong choice? What if she was the girl for me and I can never get her back. What if I never make anything of my life. What if? The list can continue until you lose the will to do anything. When I was at this point in my life (ten years ago), I asked a lot of What if questions. This were done to me that I was unable to handle, and the friends I thought would be there to help me through it, were part of the problem. I was very depressed. I was in debt, had lost the women I loved, and the one person I could count on to help was in the military. I faced my demons alone, and ask a lot of What if questions. I then found a comic strip from Matt Groening. Each panel the figure was asking a different what if question. The last panel he ask “What if I stopped asking all these What if questions?” That is when I realized that asking What if? is a trap that locks you in, and you spend and eternity looking for the answers. They are not there. What ever choose I made I must live with the outcome. If that means always seeing the girl I new I had a chance but never took it. Then so be it. See will be a reminder to live the life you have now and not stuck in What if.

2006-09-25T02:16:00.000-05:00

Thinking about the Why?

Oct 27, 1996 12:20 am

Well I now have a car. It is a 94 Tempo, and it is costing me an arm and a leg, compared to what I was paying for my Escort. So now I know there is now way I can move out on my own now. I can't afford it. That is what sucks the most, and with me working at Uni Par during the day and Piasa on the weekends I have no time at all. If I could find a way to budget my money I could quit Piasa so I could at least have my weekends free, and finding a job I like is a bitch and a half.

I have a car, but no free time to go out or money for that matter.

Val call me today and was her usual slightly out of touch with reality self, but that is one of the things I love about her.

Mean while a little time later like 1:30 am. Man I hate working midnights, and I need to find another weekend job. Something that does not require me to stay up all night an sleep all day and be back to work in the afternoon. I will get off work in the morning, sleep, work 2:30 - 10:30, get home by 11 pm and have to sleep again so I can get up early Monday, to go to work by 6 am. It is all bullshit, pure bullshit.

What I want to know is why I cannot be satisfied with the mundane world? Why can't I be a good catholic man, works hard at his blue collar job, and marries the sweetheart who want to have babies and live the suburbia Hell, but no I have to be different, left of center. I don't want a bull job. I want a job I enjoy going to. I want to me a writer but I get the feeling all my ideas are copied and I just look like I am coping someone else's ideas. I want a job were I can work and not get as dirty as a grease blob. I still want to know how much more pain I have to go through before I get the slice of pie I crave. Why did I fall in love with a girl 300 miles away only to have her break up with me? That is a whole other bucket of beans.

What I need to do is talk to her and find out some answers to question I have had. Here are some.

Did she truly love me?. Does she still love me romantically or platonicly? Should I wait? How does she feel? Was it something I did? Was she being completely honest with me?

The list goes on and on, and my here is my favorite question.. Why can't I stop think about her when it hurts so much?

Why? T

If I could change one thing about the way we live our lives is the feeling a person has after the heart has been broken. It is an empty feeling, a void in your stomach, and a heavy weight in your chest. You are not thinking right and only one question comes to mind. Why. Three little letters, that question everything in existence. It is the fist questions a child ask, (Why is the sky blue? Why do I have to go to bed?) and it the last question a person is asked. (Why did you have to die?)

Every person at one time ask why? It is our nature. If we don't understand something we ask why. Great discoveries were byproducts of the questioning of why.

(Author's note: In the course of writing these blog I have no problems with what I want to write, but for some reason I have a case of writers block. I normally don't have this problem. You as a reader deserve to be given more. After all you are taking the time to read this little trip down memory lane, and I want to express myself the best way possible. So I am sorry I can not finish this entry as planned. I have a block and I want to know why?)

2006-09-21T03:41:00.000-05:00

Act II

Author's note:Please read the post from June 27, 2006 for the start of "A Ten Year Retrospect"

Now it come down to this, Act II. All my readers have patiently waited for the drama that is my life. Here is the reason I decided to do this little project. The curtain will be open and the man I was to become can be seen hiding in the background.

Oct 11, 1196 11:05 pm

Last weekend is on I do not want to live again. I started out just fine. I got off work Thursday, and went drove down to see Val. Drive down, no problems, Friday is when it to hell. On the was back up to IL my car committed suicide. Val and I got into a small argument (our fist) and after spending $125 to tow my car up here, Val breaks up me. When it rains it pours!

Val gave me various reasons for why se wanted to split. The two bid ones where the distance and her fear of the future. I just wanted to know if I caused it or what? All I can say is I cannot stop thinking about her and it hurts like a bitch. I did fall in love with her. I just wish things were different. My car just turned into a peace of shit.

What really sucks is I keep getting to a point were my life is starting to go as I want it and then something happens. How much shit do I have to go through before I get success. I really don't want much out of life. Just someone to love and the money to pay my bills off. It is not like I am being lazy. I work two jobs and still it is not enough money to move out on my own.

I hate living with my parents most of my friends that I have graduated are married, have good jobs. And are on there own. Now why do I have to do through all this shit before I get my rewards in life. I am not a bad person so why do I have to suffer like this? All I know is I have had enough, Bad relationships, Lousy cars, mile high bills. I have had enough. From now on my motto is NO MORE.

No More,

T

The motto has sense became Not Again. What I did not mention in this entry is that, come Monday I found out that 2 if my friends (Carrie, Jon, and Linda) all have stabbed me in the back. The accused me of saying things to Linda's brother that I agreed to keep quiet about, and it would have caused problems in her family. They did not want to get my side of the story, and if I really wanted to start problems I would have gone to Linda's ex husband who I am better friend with. I did not even know her brother.
So I know have a broken heart, broken car and broken friendships, and I wonder why I went into a depression.

No one should ever have to go through what I did. There love of my life was gone and I had no one to talk to about it. My best friend Bill was out of state and it would be some time before I see him. Sense this the fist time I expressed anything like this, I had now way to handle it. I felt like a zombie, just going through the motions with a hole in my heart and soul.

Looking back on it now I am amazed that I did not completely give up. Why did I not? There is a small part of me that is just to stubborn to get to that to point. So I was forced to deal with the sadness, and empty feeling I had in my gut..

More on my story later.

2006-09-15T03:26:00.000-05:00

Hold Me

Author's note:Please read the post from June 27, 2006 for the start of "A Ten Year Retrospect"

Sept 8, 1996 9:34 pm

It is true, money can not solve all of you problems but it can help eliminate some of them. Tomorrow I get to got to a job that I don't really care for but it pays my bills. I had a job that I liked that was letting me do something I enjoyed, but I got screwed. It was graphic design and the company I was working for could not afford to keep me. So I got let go. The trouble was I was not there long enough to get the 2-3 years expensive that most people want, and I can not afford to buy a good computer to get the experience on my own.
And to top this day off, I won't be going to see Val this weekend. Her sister had a baby and they are going to visit her up in Wisconsin. I have not seen sense the 5, of July and it is starting to really bug me. I miss her and I really need her to hold me so I can feel completely at ease.

T

I don't care how big or how bad guys can think they are. They will always have times when the just want to be held. We just want to be reassured that everything is going to be alright. That is what hurts the most about being lonely, not having anyone to hold and being held. It is not the kissing and not the sex, but just having that closeness of another human being. They don't say " to have and to hold" just for nothing. Look an all the songs that have "hold me" in the title. It is a universal theme. There are times when people can not deal with there problems alone and need some one to hold.

Hold me = Help me

Next time on A Ten Year Retrospect, Act 2

2006-09-10T19:25:00.000-05:00

Going Around In Circles

Author's note:Please read the post from June 27, 2006 for the start of "A Ten Year Retrospect"

Sept 4, 1996 9:30 pm

I was just reading some of my old journal entries. It was painful to resurface so many bad memories but it is better. What I found out is I am happier now then when I was first writing them. I have someone to love and that love grows stronger every day. I don't know what the future hold for me. I just live it day by day, and hope for the best.

T

I was just reading some of my old journal entries. It was painful to resurface so many bad memories... Wait is that not what I am doing now? Am I happy? As happy and one can be in my current state, and I wish I could figure what state that is. I this the best way to sum it up is to quote Mr Buffett "It feel like I am stuck on a sandbar." Right now it is calm. There are no major problems, but also nothing exciting. Just waiting for the next thing to happen. We will just have to wait and see.

2006-09-06T03:39:00.000-05:00

Listening to one's self

Author's note:Please read the post from June 27, 2006 for the start of "A Ten Year Retrospect"

Aug 31 1996, 1:54 am

I said I was going to keep the Piasa job to get some extra money, but there is one problem. Yes I now have money but I don't have the time to spend it. I can feel the stress starting to build up, working for about two weeks strait, but I will get some salvation. Monday is Labor day and I will have the day off, and I plan to disappear. Also I would like to go see Val sometime soon. I'm stuck working next weekend so hopefully I can get the time off the 13-14. She misses me. It is the separation and living here that is a bitch.

UNT

T

There are times that I had wished I had listened to myself and stayed working two jobs and gotten out of debt. Did I keep working and get out of debt. HELL NO!!. I got more in debt and came close to losing it all. I only took me getting my heart repossesed and my car broken to clean up my act. (or maybe it was my heart broken and my car reposessed. Either way it still feel like hell.) Did I miss the girl, sure. Part of me was not there. It was the part that lifts my spirits with the way she smiles when she see you. Her eyes get a sort of twinkle in them., and you know that now how bad thing get just being with her make thing better. That is when you know that you miss someone.

As a closing note, sense I started this little project this entry has been the most difficult to write. When I fist told a friend of mine about my plans for this blog, he was worried that I would bring up some painful memories. Well he was right, but that is OK. I need to get through this. Mainly to get the closure that I did not get at the time. Soon we will be at Act 2.

2006-08-30T02:37:00.000-05:00

Quoting Clerks

Author's note:Please read the post from June 27, 2006 for the start of "A Ten Year Retrospect"

Aug 17, 1996 1:49 am

I am really getting tired of all the BS at Piasa and working midnights. The expect us to get work done but if these damn customers would stop coming in I might get the work done. More later

T

2:04 am

I will start my new job Monday. I'm going to keep this job so I can get some more money but the way it is going who knows. I won't have any days off and I don't know how long I can put up with that. I mean after 2 years I still hate my job. Who know were it will lead.

T

If anyone who has seen the movie "Clerks" and has worked in the service industry understands when I quote "This would be a great place to work if it weren't for all the damn customers." Little did Mr Smith realize he created a mantra for the X generation. What is surprise is that I say it more now at my job then ever. The people who know me and the work I do will understand. Those who don't just trust me. Sure this is a negative view and it goes against the views of the Bad Buddha (yes it is another shameless plug but not for me. Check out www.badbuddhistradio) People ask me if I like my job I tell them I hate my job but love my paycheck. I guess I will just have to wait until something better comes along.

2006-08-22T00:09:00.000-05:00

We are the stuff of dreams.

Author's note:Please read the post from June 27, 2006 for the start of "A Ten Year Retrospect"

August 12, 1996 9:30 pm

Well I have a half hour before the next person comes in to relive me at Piasa and it is dead as a zombie. So I thought I would write some. I have not heard anything about that job, maybe tomorrow. Yesterday was weird, when I was sleeping I had a dream about (Authors Note: For reasons of respect I will not mention the girls name.). In the dream she and I came very close to making love, that is when I woke up. What is weird is later that day I saw her in person.
I seems I've been having a lot of weird dreams and none of them are about Val. Why can I not dream about the women I love. One I am starting is saving for our honeymoon. I don't know when it will be or even if it will happen, but I will take her someplace magical, maybe Europe.

UNT

T

Dreams are a funny things. I have had some dreams that were so real that when I woke up I went into a major depression because the dream was better then my real life at the time. Dreams have the power to both hurt us and help us on our journey throughout life. They often don't make sense at first, and sometimes never will. Some people like to keep there dreams to themselves, others choose to share them with the public at large. What ever we make of our dreams, either random thoughts ( yah I know it is a shameless plug for my blog but what the hell) or glimpses into other realms just remember this. We all should choose to live in the reality that we were born in not our dreams.

As a closing note I did not get to sleep with H and I did not go on the honeymoon in Europe but I can always dream.

2006-08-13T21:37:00.000-05:00

Something with my life.

Author's note:Please read the post from June 27, 2006 for the start of "A Ten Year Retrospect"

August 5 1996 11:47 pm

Boy did I have a lapse in my writings, but I did a lot of shit while I was on vacation and I basically did not feel like writing it down.
So now I am working a midnight a Piasa in Godfrey. It is slow as a snail and I am bored. I am also tired of this job and I intend to do something about it. Wensday I plan on my application in at a company that pays better and has better hours. "No Fucking Midnights" I can work during the day and in the evening work with John on getting the game world created.
Talked to Val the other day. She still loves me vise versa. I think she is trying to go back to school. She told me she was going to see if she lost her funding. I still have heard anything yet. We'll just have to wait and see.

Until Next

T

Lets see I got the job. It turned out worse then the one I had. Sure it payed good and I did not work midnights. Just so you know Piasa is the name of the gas station I worked at. My new job consisted of breaking down large engines and cleaning them. It was dirty work and the I had nothing in common with the people I worked for. I have always done my job and went to work every day. This was the first time that I called in sick because I did not want to go there. Needless to say that job only lasted about 5 or 6 months maybe less.
Did I make something of my life. I depend on what you call something. Am I rich and famous? No. Do I need to be? No. What happened was I went downward to being worse off, but more on that later.

What do we call a fulfilled life ? I have no kids, never been married, a few friends, and relationships that were harder then a Mensa exam. Is my life fulfilled? I guess I will have to wait and see.

2006-08-09T00:31:00.000-05:00

Waiting for the cash.

Author's note:
Please read the post from June 27, 2006 for the start of "A Ten Year Retrospect"

July 17, 1996 11:35 pm

Well we are now in Oxnard and I am just about to go to bed. I will be glad when this trip is over and I can move out, because I don't want to hear about how mom and dad can't support me and they spent too much money on this trip. etc...
I just hope John deposited my check so I can have some money and I don't have to bum from everyone. Tomorrow I will call the 800# and find out if I am going to kill him. I just want to get back to Val and start sharing our lives together.

UTNT

T

The many thing that I have learn in my time on earth is that no matter how much our parent bitch, whine, and moan, they will always be there for us. Now before some of my readers start to yell " My parent were never there for me!". Just stop! I said parents not baby factories. Anyone who just has kids and does not care does not deserve to be call a parent. Some will say I don't know what I am talking about since I don't have children of my own. One does not have to have kids to know how they will act around them. I have seen both sides of the coin as well as how my parents have raised me. Lord knows I have give them enough reason to say get the hell out, and I may not say it as much as I should but I do thank them for all that they have given me. I just try to make the best of my life as it comes my way.

2006-07-31T01:19:00.000-05:00

Nothing Important

Author's note:
Please read the post from June 27, 2006 for the start of "A Ten Year Retrospect"

July 17 1996, 7:54 am

Well everyone is packing so we can drive down to Oxnard. Right now we are in Manteca, so it is going to me, Mike and My cousin Rob in the back seat. I guess I will either read or try and zone out for awhile. Hopefully John will remember to deposit my check today, and I will have some money by tomorrow, not that I will have a whole lot. Bills, Bills, Bills... Got to go, Mom wants me to move the shit into the garage. What fun.

UTNT

T

This entry is not that important. Just some short line I wrote down. In case you are wondering, is the towns are in CA. It is a nice state to visit but I can not imagine how people afford to live there. Also as a closing note if you are traveling by car make sure there is enough room in the back seat for everyone.

Like I said the was nothing important so maybe next posting.

2006-07-24T03:29:00.000-05:00

Hell of a way to start the day.

Author's note:
Please read the post from June 27, 2006 for the start of "A Ten Year Retrospect"

July 16, 1996 9:35 am

Well Kinden is at his old tricks again. We got a call at 5:00 am and it said our flight was cancelled. So now we have to go to Santa Anna then get on a smaller plain to San Jose.
Looking out the window I see some fields and mostly forest. It is hard to tell were we are, there are no landmarks that I can see.
My biggest wish is form my ears to quit popping due to the pressure. It feels liked I have swimmers ear.
I think I will stare out the window for awhile.

First I must tell you who Kinden is. Kinden is fictitious god created by John. His main dogma is luck, both good and bad. My friends would lay the blame for anything that happened, both good and bad on him.
So my day already was starting out bad. We got a different flight and we headed out toward the west coast. What is cool when you fly is that looking down on the ground, you see that we are one country. There is no individual states, no borders, no different people with different view points. Sometimes we need to step out of our bodies and see thing from a different point of view. In the last ten years I have totally changed the way I see things, both the good and the bad, and we must deal with it anyway. So make the best of it.

2006-07-24T02:56:00.000-05:00

Weather to post?

Author's note:
Please read the post from June 27, 2006 for the start of "A Ten Year Retrospect"

Due to uncontrolled problems with the weather and lack of power, I must say sorry for this post being late. Thanks to the powers that be that my power was only out for about a day. So now back to the journal.

July 9, 1996 11:12am

Earlier the this morning I was writhing down all my bills and I realized what a fool I have been to let it get this bad. If I am lucky I can cover my expenses. I don't know how I can afford an apartment for Val and I. Why did I have to wait this long to realize it. All I know is the journey will be long and hard. But it is a journey I must make. We all have to make.

The road begins with the first step.

T

I wish I could say that I got my finances in order and paid off. What happened is some how I got deeper in debt. It finally took my car getting repo'ed to finally shape up, and that was this year. What the hell was I thinking. I was working crappy McJobs that were paying slightly more then poverty. I should not have taken my 10 years to finally get my ass in gear. There is no reason for someone to be in deep debt. If you the reader learn anything from reading this tale of mine. Keep you money and don't give it to a company that has to much already.

2006-07-14T03:47:00.000-05:00

Acting My Age

Author's note:
Please read the post from June 27, 2006 for the start of "A Ten Year Retrospect"

July 6, 1996 10:50 pm

Once again I must leave the women I love. It is weird, I finally find some to love and we are force to be separated. Ironic as it sounds, that is a good thing. It forces me to reexamine my life and motivates me to start acting my age, and take some kind of responsibility for what the future holds.
There are a few obstacles that stand in my way, but I don't care. I will have to jump over them or just knock them out of the way.
Shane at one time offered me the chance tom move in. That was just fine, it was just me and him. Now it is totally different. Sense Chris ( I will discuss him later, maybe) has got Shane working with him and he does not have his trailer. It is now Shane and Chris, Val can still stay on the couch but she has to help out with the bills. The way it look at it is this, if Val is not working I will be paying her share of the bills. If that is the case I would rather get a hole in the was apartment and live with her myself.
Lately it seem the people who I thought were my friends are pulling all kinds of shit and it was giving Val the feeling that she is not wanted up here, and I am to the point where I am ready to tell everyone to go to hell. I don't need them and there will always be other people to be friends with.
God I could use a drink to help me relax and it's only 3:08 am.

What will happen next,

T

Of course I did not reexamine my life because I still made the same mistakes. Falling for the wrong kind of girl. Getting in more debt (which to say I am almost out of), and not moving forward in a positive direction. I was blinded by what I thought was love, that I was relying on others then myself to make thing right. It did not help that I was work at a low paying monkey job. There wood be no way for me to afford a place for Val and myself. It is ironic both my brother and I were starting new lives, he by adding a body (his wife) and I by losing one. There are times I still feel like I am getting adjusted to this new life.

2006-07-14T03:36:00.000-05:00

Sometimes one sentence says it all.

Author's note:
Please read the post from June 27, 2006 for the start of "A Ten Year Retrospect"

July 5 1996 2:00 am

It is going to be a very long day!!

T

Sure it is a small entry, and I don't even remember why I wrote it that way. What I do know is sometimes I feel like my life has been one long day and it has yet to get over with. I think I was still down south with Valarie and we where busy all day long with her family. Who knows but I am still waiting for the day to end.

2006-07-11T03:09:00.000-05:00

Timein

Author's note:
Please read the post from June 27, 2006 for the start of "A Ten Year Retrospect"

My week of pet setting is done. I love the puppies, cats, hell even the fish., but it was too quiet. Dogs may be loyal but they are not much for having conversation. One sided maybe. I want to thank you for you patience and now we continue with my Ten Year Retrospect.

July 4, 1996 12:23 am

The reason I still call it the 4th is because I am at work and I do not conceder it the next day until I see daylight or sleep, what ever comes first. So let's start the entry: July 4th. Independence Day. Is anyone truly independent? The individual person is never truly free or independent. What is freedom? There will always be someone or something that will govern over us. The biggest governing body is the government, but does the government have two much power?

T

Now a days I think we need some small bit of watching but let us not blindly let others have the power. Remember this is a governments of the people. People need to stop thinking that they can not do anything. That is how others realize that the can control others. As long as we still have free will, then we will be independent. Don't let the government get too big that it collapses in on itself. It only takes one person to be a dictator.

2006-07-01T11:35:00.000-05:00

Timeout

Author's note:
Please read the post from June 27, 2006 for the start of "A Ten Year Retrospect"

For the next week I have the pleasure of housesitting at a friends place. So I will be taking a small timeout for now. Fear not readers we will be returning to our blog shortly.

Until Next Time

Tim

P. S. I just did a spell check on this entry and the word blog was not in there dictionary. How messed up is that?

2006-06-29T02:48:00.000-05:00

For V where ever she may be.

Author's note:
Please read the post from June 27, 2006 for the start of "A Ten Year Retrospect"

July 3 1996, 11: 22 pm

Today I had to do something that was very painful, but also very helpful. I sent the women that I love back home while I am in California. It was the last option that I could think of. She has no other place to go. One thing I can count on is if a friend of mine Shane gets his trailer we are invited to move in with him but I don't want that to be my permeant residence. It will allow Valarie to come back down. So we can be together. This past month has been very stressful. Valarie has lately gotten the feeling that she is unwanted by everyone. That stresses her out, I try to comfort her, it does not work so I get stressed. I'm to the point were I don't need anyone else expect her, and she's not here. It seems to me that with all the shit that has happened I am ready to give up Alton for good and move to St. Louis. Now I just have to wait a month to see how things are going to turn out. What I need to do next is to organize my room so I know how much I owe and to whom. All I know is it will be a tough battle.

Until Next
T

Now you have read the fist entry, you can start to understand what I was going through. The funny thing about this whole thing is this. I was going to California for my brothers wedding. We both found love, but he was starting his new life, I was putting mine one hold. My love life at least. The rest of my life was moving way beyond my control. So I formally dedicate this little experiment in long lost memories to V.

2006-06-27T02:57:00.000-05:00

A Ten Year Retrosect - Introduction

Ten years ago, my life changed. I fell in love for the first time, had my heart broken for the fist time, and for the first time, found out who my friends where. During all this I kept a journal, and know it is my desire to share it with the public. Each entry will be presented as I first wrote it. Afterward there will be additional comments and insights from myself ten years later.

The entries do refer to certain individuals, so I will change the names to protect the innocent as well as the guilty. Anyone who knows me well will remember who the real people are, but I felt it is better to change the names anyway.

So why do I wish to share my pain and my joy with others? Simply this, if I have learned anything useful in my experiences it is pointless to keep these insights to myself. Others may be facing similar circumstances, and my words of wisdom may help them deal with there problems. Also it will give the reader a better understanding of who I am.

In order for the reader to fully understand what I experienced, a little back history must be told. Any drama that is presented to an audience consist of 3 acts. An Introduction, conflict, and resolution. The first act of my drama will be from June '96 until Oct '96. Act 2 will be Oct '96 until June '97, and act 3 is still being played out.

Like any dramatic play there is a list of characters. Below is my list. Some names will appear more often then others, and always the names have been changed to protect the innocent as well as the guilty.

List of Characters

Bill
Valarie
Jon
John ( there are two people both named John but spelled differently)
Shane
Carrie
Linda

These are the primary players, although there will no doubt be others. They will named as they appear. So now you know who the players are it is time to set the scene.

We start with the hero (myself), always looking for the one person he can fall in love with, her name was Valarie. It was Shane who first started to talk to her, but it was me she fell in love with. I with her. Valerie's place of residence was southern Missouri, and she soon came up north to stay with Jon and his wife Linda. That arrangement did not last long. She was then staying with Shane and his mother. It is my belief that Shane's girlfriend was jealous and proceeded to cause problems.

So this is where we open Act 1

2006-06-26T02:52:00.000-05:00

An Update

It has come to my attention that I have not updated my blog lately, and I will lose a reader. So this is you, and you know you are. I pulled this off of myspace and I thought I would share it with everyone else here.

Girl Facts

When a girl says she likes you,
she wants you to ask her out.

When a girl misses u,
she's afraid to see how your new girl looks, she's dreading the fact that you are not hers any more

When you break a girls heart,
she still feels it when bumping heads 3 years later

When a girl just stares deep into your eyes,
she's HOPING that your hers and only hers ( it show show much she cares: eyes never lie)

When a girl is quiet,
millions of things are running through her mind.

When a girl is not arguing,
she is thinking deeply.

When a girl looks at you with eyes full of questions,
she is wondering how long you will be around.

When a girl answers, "I'm fine, " after a few seconds,
she is not at all fine.

When a girl stares at you,
she is wondering why you are so wonderful.

When a girl lays her head on your chest,
she is wishing for you to be hers forever.

When a girl calls you everyday,
she is seeking for your attention.

When a girl wants to see you everyday,
she's in love.

When a girl says, "I'll love you forever, "
she means it.

When a girl says that she can't live without you,
she has made up her mind that you are her future.

When a girl says, "I miss you,"
no one in this world can miss you more than that

Guy Facts

When a guy calls you,
he wants to be with you

When a guy is quiet,
He's listening to you...

When a guy is not arguing,
He realizes he's wrong

When a guy says, "I'm fine, " after a few minutes,
he means it

When a guy stares at you,
he wishes you would care about him and wonders if you do?

When you're laying your head on a guy's chest,
he has the world

When a guy calls you every day,
he is in love

When a (good) guy say he loves you,
he means it

WHEN A GUY SAYS HE CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT YOU,
HE'S WITH YOU TILL YOUR DONE..

WHEN A GUY SAYS , "I MISS YOU"
HE MISSES YOU MORE THAN YOU COULD EVER HAVE MISSED HIM OR ANYTHING ELSE....

See the realy good guys (and we are still out there) are not that bad.

Until next time and I promise to write more from now on.

Tim

2006-06-14T04:00:00.000-05:00

Too Many Blogs

I have just realized that I read to many blogs when I click on this site, and the first thought that popped into my head was if the site has been updated. Then I remember that I write this blog so of course it has not been updated. I definitely am losing my mind. Then again it is also 4 am in the morning, that might have something to do with it. So now hear is the update. Until Next Time (UNT)

Tim

2006-06-04T00:35:00.000-05:00

An Older Blog

Below is an older blog from myspace that I thought could fill some space until I write something new.

I desided to post a blog and fill all the detail of what is going on with my life. I am slowly getting my finances in better shape (I just relize something, if there is a chance I can meet new people and they are put off by what I write here then I realy don't want to know them any way. This is who I am. I made mistakes and I am paying for them now. This is who I am and I am getting better, If people have trouble with that, screw them.) Now that I got of my soap box, I can continue. Still working at my same job, still suck, sill pays my bills, will sill be there untill something better comes along. Still single, still waiting for the right girl to find me. Life would be so much easier if I knew how long I had to wait. So I occupy my time so I don't go brain dead and cold hearted. I don't think I could be cold hearted, still waiting on the desion of brain dead. So until next time. I will still be here.

Tim

2006-06-02T02:52:00.000-05:00

Buddhism

I wanted to list a link to my friends new podcast. He has choosen Buddhism as his subject. So if you have ever wanted to know anything about Buddhism, I ask you to give him a listen.

http://www.badbuddhistradio.com/

2006-05-05T00:06:00.000-05:00

Growing Older

The time is now 12:04 am, May 5. My birthday and I am 38. One of the thing that I have learned in my lifetime is that everyone will have joys and pains. What we do with them and how they affect our lives is what is important. Do I have the same number of friends as I had when I was younger. No, but what I lack in quantity they make up in quality. New friends are always there if you let them into your lives.
Sure I am older but I don't have any regrets. Everything I have done has made me who I am. Good or bad, I am who I am. I try for more of the good.

Difficult to read

2006-04-26T03:08:00.000-05:00

I was in a conversation, and one of the topic was the use of blogs. A comment was made stating it in not a good idea to have a black background and white type. Seeing as this is difficult to read, so I have taken the liberty to change this blog for the pleasure of the viewing public. I hope everyone who read this enjoys.

Buddhist Wisdom

2006-01-25T00:41:00.000-06:00

Every day I get a little bit of Buddhist wisdom. Below is today's:

How much of your life do you spend looking forward to being somewhere else?-Matthew Flickstein, "Journey to the Center"

I makes me wonder about all the times the we do wish we were somewhere else. When we have had a bad day at our jobs, or having problems in our personal life. It would be easy to be somewhere else. The only problem with wishing you were someplace else is that you still have the problems just different scenery.

First Step into Madness

2006-01-20T21:31:00.000-06:00

Welcome to the first posting of Random Thoughts. To start of I wish to thank everyone, or shall I say anyone for reading my blog. I realize that there is only a limited time in the day and I am glad I am part of your day. So with out further ado on to the Blog.

The other day I happened to see a person wearing a shirt that said Extreme Softball. I realize that if you put the word extreme in front of something that it is supposed to give the impression that the "thing" is cooler then any average thing. This does work in some cases, but softball? Come on! This is softball hence the word soft. How can it be extreme? Does the pitcher throw overhand? Is the ball smaller and harder. Wait a minute that! This is sounds a lot like another sport called Baseball. Remember just because something is called extreme does not mean it is. What is next Extreme Spelling Bees

So concludes the fist blog posting. I know let's all call it extreme blogging. Until next time, this is the sanelunatic signing off.