Where have I been?

Where have I been you ask?

Has it really been over a year since I last posted something on this blog?

November of 2007, yes it has been a long time.

So where have I been?

I have move out of a home to an apartment to back home again.

I was in love and it died.

Met my old girlfriend who I thought had died, now she is back and the love is back.

Met two small fir balls that make going to bed at night a struggle and getting up an adventure.

Started back to school. I have my doubts until I realize how much my job is full of shit. (and I don't mean that as a metaphor.)

And played on the internet and realized I have not posted to these blog in quite some time.

I will have to work on that.

What I want...

It has been a while since I last visited the Random Thoughts. I did complete the retrospect and needed a break. So I started another Blog. I still need to get things out of my head and written.

I was at work when I came up with the list of what I want. Having just found it I thought it would be something that people would enjoy reading.

What I want…

I want to find the right girl and have the courage to ask her out.

I want to mend a broken heart.

I want to pop the question.

I want to wear black and her wear white.

I want until death due you part.

I want the honeymoon to never end but not be surprised when it does.

I want to wait nine months to buy a box of cigars.

I want diapers, playpens, car seats, and all the other necessary items used by babies.

I want fist day of school blues.

I want to know that gift goes with what anniversary.

I want to help with homework.

I want to sound like my father and pray my kids don't act like I did.

I want to know where my kids are at 11:00pm.

I want to say I am wrong when I know I am right.

I want my midlife crisis.

I want to not let my kids date until they are 30.

I want college tuition, college books, and college room and board.

I want my second honeymoon and my second mortgage.

I want to be the Father of the Bride.

I want 401k's and IRA's.

I want to spoil my grandchildren.

I want to die knowing I have lived a full and rewarding life.

I just want it to start.

What I want...

It has been a while since I last visited the Random Thoughts. I did complete the retrospect and needed a break. So I started another Blog. I still need to get things out of my head and written.

I was at work when I came up with the list of what I want. Having just found it I thought it would be something that people would enjoy reading.

What I want…

I want to find the right girl and have the courage to ask her out.

I want to mend a broken heart.

I want to pop the question.

I want to wear black and her wear white.

I want until death due you part.

I want the honeymoon to never end but not be surprised when it does.

I want to wait nine months to buy a box of cigars.

I want diapers, playpens, car seats, and all the other necessary items used by babies.

I want fist day of school blues.

I want to know that gift goes with what anniversary.

I want to help with homework.

I want to sound like my father and pray my kids don't act like I did.

I want to know where my kids are at 11:00pm.

I want to say I am wrong when I know I am right.

I want my midlife crisis.

I want to not let my kids date until they are 30.

I want college tuition, college books, and college room and board.

I want my second honeymoon and my second mortgage.

I want to be the Father of the Bride.

I want 401k's and IRA's.

I want to spoil my grandchildren.

I want to die knowing I have lived a full and rewarding life.

I just want it to start.

A Ten Year Retrospect - Act 3

Author's note: Please read the post from June 27, 2006 for the start of "A Ten Year Retrospect

June 8 1997 12:15 pm

I think I know where all the shit I have gone through is leading. That place is greatness. There are things that have happened that are improving my life.

First is Cindy W. Bill and I went into a bar. It was in the afternoon, so there was no one around. We started talking to the bar maid, Cindy and we became friends. Now the scary part, Cindy and I met later that week to go out drinking. I found out she knows all the people I used to hang out with and she is still trying to get over past boyfriend Dave B. This is the same B whose sister J I had a bad crush on. Cindy and I should have met a long time ago but didn't. This is the way I see it. She is recovering from Dave and I am recovering from Val, and we were meant to at this time in our lives. Yes I want to date her but I will settle for being good friends for now and see where it leads.

Second I quit Piasa (no more midnights!). The hospital is going to give me more hours.

Until Then

T

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So here I am at work board out of my mind and working late into the night. I thought it fitting that I write the final entry buy hand. It is slow and I am brain dead. If you listen closely you can hear another neuron scream in painful death.

Indeed I have come full circle. I still have a job that is going nowhere, with a social life that is not even going anywhere let alone nowhere. I have to change this situation. So I applied for another job and I am meeting new people. Hopefully something happens, until then things will stay the same except for the ones I change.

It is hard for me to post this final entry. That is why it has taken me so long to get it done. By me finishing this reexamining of my life I have to accept that it is over. I have never seen or heard from Val in over 10 years. Part of me wishes I could forget her forever and part of me never wants to let go. I know I can not live in the past. What I really want to find out is how she is doing. Just to find out that every thing is alright. I want the closure I never got. There I finally said it. Some where in the infinite world wide web, I would like her to read this and know how much one girl changed me.

She taught me what love is, what devotion is, and what sacrifice is. Val may have thought it was a simple summer romance but to me it was life altering. Things could never go back to the way they were. Hell! I would not want them to. I am in the present and as the Bad Buddha would say I need to live in the here and now. So that is what I do.

It is not easy, but life never is. Each day we are presented with situations that test our courage. I wish I could say that I secede at them all. I can not. There are times when I just can not find the nerve that I need. I don't want to get hurt again and I know that this course of action is not good. So I go on finding little bits of confidence from where ever I can. It helps me get through.

If I have learned anything from my life and the trials that I have faced is this. Life will get dirty at times and when it does take all your problems, toss them in to your metaphorical Autochlor, and give them a good cleaning.

As the second line in the journal says, "That place is greatness." I look around at what I have and what I have done in the last eleven year and realize that I am already there.

Author's note: An Autochlor is the company that makes professional dishwasher for the food service industry. That one is for you Mr. Dave Wayne Black. Also Cindy and I did not last either, oh well next.

Out Of The Zone

Author's note: Please read the post from June 27, 2006 for the start of "A Ten Year Retrospect

May 26 1997 1:03

I am really glad Bill is back because he is really the only true friend I have. I know I can rely on him to support me when I need it the most.

It is ironic how our lives are alike and yet different.

It is weird as I write this the song Hold On by Wilson Phillips came on. It has to be a sign that someone is watching out for me. If it is my own personal angle it's got a funny way of letting the good things happen. I just want to know what all the things I am going through is for? Where will it lead me?

Tim

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This is where it leads me. Sitting in a café with a fresh cup of coffee, writing a blog about the where it has led me. Then to add to this little bit of insanity, why not publish it online so any one can read it.

Sure it is great to learn from your past mistakes. Then try not to repeat them, but also wisdom is meant to be shared. Did the Buddha keep his wisdom to himself? Hell no! He taught others and then told those to teach others. I am also sure said something about his teaching not being the bases for a religion, but there every audience there is some one who will hear some thing different then what you said.

Well I was in the zone, had some tunes on, not even thinking about what I was writing. Then who should I run into but my very first girl that I dated, and then I was out of the zone. Seeing her makes me realize how much I have change sense I was 18 years old.

Next stop Act III and the End

Out sync of

Author's note: Please read the post from June 27, 2006 for the start of "A Ten Year Retrospect

May 11 1997 11:26 pm

Lately I have been really been confused and basically with the rest of the world. Actually I have been really tired because I have been working the hospital and Piasa and it is just draining me of all my energy. I am about ready to tell Piasa good bye. I could manage without the money. Besides when I transfer to the storeroom were John works. It will be Monday to Friday and I can find a better weekend job.

It was weird the other day. I got home from work and I had been depressed about Val, when I got a post card from Dawn. (I still can not get over Val.)

Well I turned 29. One year older and one year colder. It is weird when I think about all the shit that has happened this last hear. It makes me wonder what this year is going to be like. I guess I will have to wait and see. God and Goddess help me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There is nothing wrong with being out of sync. Why would I want to be just like the rest of the gene pool? I take pride in having the courage to be different. Different is good. It is what makes the world such a fun place to live in. There will be heart aches, and there will be lost friendships. There are also new relationships and better friendships.

We all go through life looking for help. Some look to religion, some to philosophy, but what ever methods that you use give it your all. Having turn 39 I realize that life does not give you a play book. You make it up as you go along. Some times you get sacked and on those rare occasions you score the touchdown. If you’re really lucky you nail the extra point also. The thing to remember is that when you get knock down; pick your self back up. You never know how long it will take, ten second or ten years. As long as you are still standing, then you will not get run over.

Some people affect your lives in such a way that you will never forget them. I have met some and even fell in love with a few. Each one was just as out of sync with the rest of the world and that is just fine with me.

O For 2

Author's note: Please read the post from June 27, 2006 for the start of "A Ten Year Retrospect

April 28 1997 1:04 am

Well hopefully David had a better day then I have. It was his birthday on the 27^th. He is the big 30. He has a good stable job, a wife that loves him and wants to bear his children. Could I be any more opposite to him?

What ever course I choose in this life I must follow it to the end. Even though I don’t know when it will end or where, I just pray I will not be alone. It has been a year sense I realized I loved Val, I don’t know the actual date but I know it was in April. How can I continue on without her, and does she still love me? The other day I did a reading (Tarot) and asked if there was any hope for Vic and I. The final outcome was stated as getting freedom at a great cost. Yes am free of that nagging sense for love, but what was the cost? Can I ever be happy with another woman like I was with Val?

Only time will tell.

T

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Why yes I can be happy with another woman like I was with Val. Her name was Bren, which did not last either. Damn! I am 0 for 2. Wolf Tango Foxtrot! Talk about a slump.

Well hopefully Mike had a better day then I have. It is his birthday on the 20^th. He is will be the big 26. He has a good stable job, a wife that loves him and wants to bear his children. Could I be any more opposite to him?

I see a pattern here. I have the good stable job it that counts for anything. I hate it, but it pays the bill so I can do thing that does not pay the bills. That is how my friend put it when he was working at his job.

When you can’t find the answer, you look anywhere you can. Sometimes reading Tarot cards help. I don’t believe that it will tell the future. The future is not set in stone. Tarot can make think of things that you did not before. “Freedom at a great cost” What was the cost, my innocence. I don’t mind paying that cost. I had to pay it sooner or later. Better sooner and then get it over with. I am a better person. A little cynical but with more wisdom then I had before. I can live with that.

Shred of Sanity

Author's note: Please read the post from June 27, 2006 for the start of "A Ten Year Retrospect

April 20 1997 10:40pm

All day I have been hearing depressing songs that made me think of Val. I realize getting over her is going to be a lot harder then I thought. I guess I loved her that much. I think that is what hurts the most. Val was not like others I dated, she was the one for me. Was I wrong?

What I would like to know is what she thought? Does she still think of me or was I just another boyfriend. Actually I was her second boyfriend.

Bill’s here, back later

T

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Obviously, she was not the one for me. I am still waiting on that one. I am also am waiting on the next thought to pop into my head. Don’t you hate it when you know what to say but can’t think of the way to write it?

There are times when my mind wanders and wonders. I like to think Val is still with me. All is well, with me married and having 2.5 kids and a cat and dog, the perfect nuclear family. It could happen. Somewhere in the infinite multiverse or just 52, I like to think that I am still with her. Then I also think that I could also be worse them I am know.

If thing have not ended with Val I would not have found Bren. She made me realize that I still had faith in the emotion of love. Even when that relationship did not last, I know that if it can happen twice then it can happen another time. I just need the right women to find me.

I was recently asked why I am reliving my past in this manner. I need to think back and find out what went wrong with my life so I can not walk down that path again. Or if I do happen to find myself on that road then I will be better prepared to face what life throws me.

When life gives you wisdom and you take it, don’t be selfish. Pass that wisdom along. Some one out in the expanse of cyberspace may read my words and think, “If he can deal with all that he has and still have a shred of sanity left them maybe I don’t have it all that bad.”

Our ADD Society

Author's note: Please read the post from June 27, 2006 for the start of "A Ten Year Retrospect

April 19, 1997 11:00 pm

Why can't I seem to write in here at other times beside when I am at Piasa?

There is way too much work to do tonight so I will keep things short. Bill is out of the army, well actually he is in reserves, so things are starting to pick up. I made a promise not to tell anyone the details he told me so I will keep them to myself.

What was bad is he compared himself to Shane saying he could not make it in the military. So I popped him on the head and said never to compare himself to Shane again.

There is hope for him yet.

Until Next.

T

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Why can't I seem to write this blog at other times then my home? Maybe it is because there are too many distractions. The world is filled with 500+ channels of nothing on cable, video games, friends, etc. These are just a few of the distractions that plague our ADD society. (Has anyone seen my 10 sider?) I guess if I was getting paid for this little adventure I could be better focused. Kudos for people who write for a living and then go home and write more for pleasure, I usually think of great thing to write when I am at work, and then can't remember what I wanted to say when I do get a chance to write. It does help to carry a small note pad so I at least get the ideas down.

Speaking of work and ADD, have to go to work now and pray my mind can get distracted for the next 10 hours. There is too much to do today so I will keep this commentary short.

Guess What?

Author's note: Please read the post from June 27, 2006 for the start of "A Ten Year Retrospect

April 13, 1997 1:52 am

Howard Jones said in his song "things can only get better" and they are starting to, slowly but they are starting. Today I got depressed again at the hospital where I work. It was not as bad as the last, but I was still in tears. What I realize is now more then ever I need my close friends. There will be no one closer then Bill. Now is the time for him to give me strength. I was there when he fell out with his wife and he will be there for me until I can finally be over Val.

For years I wanted to fall in love. I did and it did not work out. So now I must deal with the heartache that follows. It wouldn't be so bad if I broke up with her. I would at least have some reason to justify my actions, but she ended it and now I have this feeling of wonder because there was nothing I could have done to prevent what happened. Also if I had broke up with her I probably would not still lover her.

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When you lose someone you love, there is always the heartache. The first love is always the hardest. Hell! The fist of anything is always the hardest, after that, things get easier. I did fall in love after a few years. She was silly and childlike also. The same thing that I saw in Val I saw in her. We dated and then she moved away. Every I knew said "let her go" and "she is not coming back". I being my stubborn self waited, telling myself "she will come back". I still waited, telling everyone "she will come back". Then to top all that I did something really stupid, I waited. Telling anyone "she will come back".

Guess what? She came back!

Guess what? She stayed a week and then left again.

This time I knew "she will not come back." The bad thing is I still love her also, and there had been thoughts about giving her another chance. I just can not get the picture of her driving away from me. Once again I was heartbroken. Weather you or the she ended it, if you loved her it still hurts. There is still the empty void in your stomach. You are still left with the feeling of wonder and unanswered question. Maybe we will never get the answers or the closure that is needed. All anybody can do is deal with it as best as the can. We find our answers were we can. Sometimes all you need is to write about it.